Hovis’ Friday diary: I worry the bin lorry may favour a munch on a feathered fancy

Pricey Diary,

I hand over… Actually hand over.

Each feminine I’m surrounded by is nuttier than a squirrel in a Particular Ok Manufacturing unit.  Now, in equity this isn’t a brand new revelation on the subject of the mothership – let’s be trustworthy, the girl struggles to establish which route a carry goes with two guesses; if she really had a mind she’d be frankly harmful. Nonetheless, I had excessive hopes for the New Boss Woman. She appeared so NORMAL (though once more in comparison with mom, then frankly an amoeba in a celebration hat would appear each clever and articulate…).

Till she began with this hacking factor.

Now I get that bimbling in regards to the countryside on the unique excessive class all-terrain automobile have to be a spotlight of her driving profession. Overlook all of the stuff she does together with her leaping bean mare (Horse of the Yr Present certainly), let’s be trustworthy to know her arse is gracing the identical saddle as my mates Mary King and Geoff Billington have to be very over-exciting. All I can suppose is that this over-excitement has one way or the other affected her pure survival tendencies and despatched her giddier than Weeble on a waltzer as a result of frankly it’s getting ridiculous.

The opposite week we had gone out hacking ALONE. Like sans wingperson and sans any sacrifice to the gods, which everybody is aware of is totally daft. Then final week we went with one of many mares from the yard, Mollie, which was really very pleasurable – feminine firm and a prepared sacrificial sufferer(s) is all the time nice. Then this week we went out once more with Mollie, however we went out on BIN DAY.

That is like deciding to go swimming on the native shark social.

Utter stupidity.

Everybody is aware of that bin lorries are simply as unhealthy as tractors. I imply you solely need to LOOK at them! They’ve like mouths and tooth they usually eat the center out of these good blue bin creatures while violently shaking them up and down. Why for the love of no matter god you imagine in, would you want to exit when they’re roaming the streets?

However no, Loopy Boss Woman and her enabling facet kick clearly attended the identical evolutionary school as mom and slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguards weren’t wanting as a result of not solely did we exit through the bin lorry feeding time, however we additionally determined that strolling previous one was a good suggestion. WHILST IT WAS FEEDING. Actually, two evil males have been sacrificing a blue bin dude to the evil creature and he or she expects me to stroll previous smiling at it? What’s incorrect with these folks?

I attempted, I actually did, to save lots of us all, executing the kind of spin and alter route that might haven’t regarded misplaced at a Downing Avenue press convention. However Loopy Boss Woman has the identical kind of leg energy that my earlier yard proprietor (the unique boss woman) had, and earlier than I may blink, I used to be again going through the factor watching it devour its prey. It was hideous.

I’m frankly traumatised.

I did briefly contemplate throwing all three of them in direction of the mechanical monster and legging it at excessive velocity in the wrong way, however her legs have been clamped down tougher than mom holds on to a glass of prosecco – which to be clear could be very onerous and with no intention of letting go…

I imply, like, we survived and all the things, however no due to any of them. Furthermore, a video of my try to save lots of us all was revealed on my Fb pages with the clear view that I used to be spooking like an outsized Scooby Doo, which is completely unfair; I used to be demonstrating that one in every of us has an IQ that isn’t in single figures and that I’ve extremely attuned survival reactions…

Any concepts on the best way to stop repeat occurrences of this situation can be really appreciated as a result of in some unspecified time in the future I do fear that the bin lorry may fancy a munch on a feathered fancy…

Laters,

Hovis

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