George Costanza steps as much as the plate, bat on the prepared. The pitch comes flying in. Crack. The ball is outta right here. It’s residence run quantity 47 on the season for George. His stocky, balding 5 foot 4 type jogs leisurely across the bases, again in direction of a dugout full to the brim with different George Costanzas.
Regardless of being his precise doppelgangers, none of them are like him. They’re simply common Georges and for 161 video games up to now, they’ve been doing their finest.
When the New York Yankees turned up for spring coaching at first of this season in MLB The Present 24’s franchise mode, you may inform one thing wasn’t proper. Aaron Choose was now not a hulking chief of males, Gerrit Cole was now not a star pitcher, Juan Soto was now not a silver slugger profitable hitter. As an alternative, they have been all self-insert variations of Larry David. They have been all Georges.
A flood of completely hopeless, extremely frugal, however often charming Costanzas descended on Yankee Stadium. They have been now not simply the assistants to the travelling secretary, as their namesake was within the mid-Nineteen Nineties. They have been gamers, determined to fulfil the infinite and inexplicable potential George confirmed throughout one scene from season eight, episode 9 of the present, entitled ‘The Abstinence’.
After calmly explaining to the Yankees’ Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams that “hitting isn’t about muscle, it’s easy physics”, a very sex-deprived and due to this fact very clever George hit three residence runs in a row. In a rattling shirt and tie. This was a uncommon glimpse at what I’m calling the UberCostanza, a bit just like the Nietzschean Übermensch, however nowhere close to horny sufficient as an idea to be co-opted by the Nazi Occasion. A genius who can do something and remedy any drawback, however solely as long as he isn’t ready to consider shagging.
Inside my all-Costanza Yankees group, which sees all pitchers, batters and relievers changed by one general sex-having Costanza clones, I place a single UberCostanza, a pure virgin rated 99 general, making him actually among the finest gamers within the league. He’s a middle fielder, and he’ll bat first within the lineup, in order that we are able to filter all the bizarre no nut November Reddit sorts who’ll inevitably worship him – as a result of that is 2024 – again out into the parking zone at any time when he’s not at bat, to maintain the common of us protected.
There all of them stand, like a horde of greasy barbarians on the gates of Constantinople, sexually-frustrated and semen-heavy Swifties, listening out for the clack adopted by the roar of the Yankee Stadium crowd – which inevitably heralds one other residence run from their pint-sized and follically-challenged Taylor. Although, the Costanza experiment, which begins in March 2024 and runs all over to late September that very same yr throughout the 162 video games the Yankees play, isn’t simply of curiosity to those who most likely have quite regrettable views about girls.
The construct of every Costanza is so counter to the anticipated physique form of the typical baseball participant that, each time a pitcher is pulled or a batter returns to the dugout, they instantly develop and morph into a unique type – one nearer in peak and limb dimensions to a six foot tall man. I come to name this unusual phenomenon ‘the lengthening’, and may’t assist however marvel simply how horrified the crowds of the MLB are at any time when The Present 24’s animations fail to understand simply learn how to cope with the peculiar corpus that homes every Costanza’s tortured psyche.
Because the season kicks into gear, I attempt to distract myself from the teams of unusual fellows who’re most likely buying and selling grainy, Bigfoot sighting-esque images of Costanzas mid-lengthening on seedy corners of the web. I cease myself from fascinated with their little fingers click-clacking away as they attempt to hyperlink this mysterious taking place to their conspiracies about fluoridated water and lizard males, and I do it by imagining how the remainder of Seinfeld’s forged would possibly match into this merciless new televisual world.
I think about Jerry himself because the Yankees’ GM, the person answerable for placing collectively this roster of lovely misfits. I think about him reporting to a Larry David voiced model of Hal Steinbrenner, performed in precisely the identical weird style because the comic’s model of his father George, the unique huge Stein. I think about him warring with Newman, the membership’s new supervisor, susceptible to ranting in pseudo-Shakespearian style in regards to the ins-and-outs of every sport to the umpires after which making an attempt to weasel out of fines.
I think about Kramer, by some means turning into the Yankees’ mascot and convincing administration that one truly deserves to exist, by completely out-dancing even the Phillie Phanatic and by chance inserting probably the most highly effective hex recognized to man on an unsuspecting pitcher within the course of. I think about Elaine, taking up the function of agent to each single Costanza on the group, and making an attempt in useless to barter all of them contract extensions that meet their infinite whims, together with the organisation agreeing to pay for each huge salad every of them eats. I think about Mr and Mrs Costanza, sitting up within the stands, arguing endlessly about which ones is extra answerable for how nicely the UberCostanza turned out, whereas completely ignoring his whole group’s price of doomed twins.
None of it helps.
Neither does the truth that the Costanzas are dropping. By the top of April, they’re 0-31, having already damaged the document for the longest dropping streak in MLB historical past. Suck on it, 1899 Louisville Colonels. By the top of June, they’re 0-85, and haven’t any risk of ending with a profitable document, though the season’s simply over midway accomplished. Every miserable month of normal losses is punctuated by a single monumental beatdown. In April, it’s an 81-1 demolition by the Toronto Blue Jays, by far probably the most lopsided defeat in MLB historical past. Could brings an 141-4 annihilation by the Houston Astros, then June brings an 182-1 cataclysm by the hands of the Minnesota Twins.
Every time, it appears like the sport’s sending a message. Delivering the type of cruel, embarrassing whippings that life has usually given the Georges of their off-field lives. These are scores so ludicrous that they shouldn’t even be attainable, however they’re, as a result of in the case of George, the powers that be haven’t any pity. The fickle forces that run our universe – and that of MLB The Present 24 – love choosing on him. They will’t get sufficient of the concept of every George, on the finish of those trouncings, pacing again into the clubhouse, earlier than taking their turns to throw their arms within the air like Yosemite Sam and exclaim “George is getting upset!”
There’s one second throughout the season when George isn’t upset.
On July 28, 2024, the Costanzas by some means handle to grind out a 1-0 win over the Boston Crimson Sox in additional innings. The lead George on the mound, who by this level has grown to 2 general, pitches a shutout, regardless of by some means permitting 283 hits in keeping with the field rating. The Yankees lastly notch a win so as to add to their 106 prior losses. For the UberCostanza, whose stats, from residence runs to WAR, have put him firmly among the many prime ten gamers within the league for many of the season, that is the second when all of that effort pays off, nevertheless fleetingly.
By the point he sends that forty seventh homer skyward, breaking the shutout the decidedly common Pittsburgh Pirates’ third string pitcher has going within the closing sport of each groups’ seasons, he’s needed to endure 160 losses in complete. That is doomed to be his 161st, because the Pirates are already up by 26 runs, however he’s going out swinging, like he was all the time going to.
As a result of he’s a George. He’s Costanza, lord of the idiots. Completely insufficient, fully insecure, paranoid, and neurotic.
The one man who deserves to reside the lie that, for one superb summer time of George, he fully broke America’s pastime.
