I’m on my knees, and he’s pointing it at me.
I ask myself why we couldn’t have at the least gone to a pleasant restaurant.
Someplace with a chill ambiance and a number of starters that may’ve made all of this a bit extra palatable. A second in the past, he mentioned he was sorry I obtained tousled on this scene, and that I should be on an 18-carat run of unhealthy luck. Not less than it wasn’t the outdated ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ schtick.
As he shoots me within the head, I take into consideration the place I’m at in my sordid love life. Absolutely issues can solely go up from right here, proper?
I get up with a balding man standing over me. He’s obtained a pleasant moustache, and the kind of sort eyes that might solely belong to a grandfather in a film or a Disneyland mascot designed to relax a toddler that’s simply s**t itself happening the log flume. He’s a bit too outdated to be my kind, even when I do admire the hug as he helps me away from bed.
Then, issues get a bit bizarre. He makes me play this outdated carnival sport to verify I haven’t obtained mind injury, then we head by means of to the opposite room. First, he begins taking part in phrase affiliation, then he exhibits me his artwork assortment. One of many work appears like a dick, however I’m too embarrassed to really say that. One’s of two bears high-fiving, for some purpose. I want he simply gotten a Pinterest as a substitute of exhibiting me them in individual, however I believe he’s a hipster. He provides me some good parting presents, but it surely’s not sufficient.
Exterior, I run right into a robotic with the face of a cowboy on its monitor. Okay, possibly it’ll take some explaining to my mother and father, and who is aware of how a lot of a nightmare it might be within the bed room, however certain, I’ll entertain it. It seems he dug me out of the grave my ex left me in, successfully saving my life. It doesn’t assist his case a lot. I’m simply not into the faux-John Wayne act, particularly from one thing that may by accident fireplace a machine gun at me if it will get too excited throughout foreplay.
I head for the saloon, as a result of lord is aware of alcohol would possibly make this all a bit of simpler. There’s a grizzled outdated prospector sitting on the porch. “Howdy. What can Straightforward Pete do for you?” he says. I entertain it for a second, then head straight inside. The bartender’s lacking. As a substitute, I’m accosted by an unbearably cheery lady in leather-based armour, and her canine. Why do these varieties of individuals all the time have canines, I believe. She gives to show me learn how to shoot issues and go tenting. There’s one thing about her out of doors centre teacher hiding a deeply traumatic previous vibe that begins to win me over.
Halfway by means of taking pictures some geckos, nevertheless, it wears skinny. I realise it received’t work, as a result of once we’re with folks, all they’ll do is ask me why I’m not as cheerful as she is. When she’s not trying, I run for the hills.
The following few days all blur collectively. There’s a girl at a bar who blows me away along with her profanity and urge for food for whisky. She says one thing a couple of Lengthy Dick Johnson, who has an extended dick, therefore the title. At first, I fear it’s some ex I’d should dwell as much as, however quickly, that doesn’t matter. She will’t depart the outpost, and I’m not able to cool down but. On the roof of the identical constructing, there’s a girl in a cowboy hat. She’s good, however intense, and cursed with the identical complexion as a ginger individual. I assume the latter two are inherently linked. She asks me to go and take a look at some smoke in a close-by city.
It’s there I meet the lottery winner. And the furry. I rapidly rule out the previous. The furry takes extra time. Him and his mates have canine hats and precise canines with them. I resist the urge to ask him if, in all types however bodily, he’s a wolf. He’s making an attempt to scare me, to go and inform people to be afraid of him and his buddies. I don’t know if it’s that, the hat, or the crucified our bodies surrounding us, however I’m not fairly feeling it.
I drift north, and all of it continues to mix right into a human soup. There’s a nocturnal bloke who received’t cease happening about his deceased partner. I’m 90% certain she’s simply left him and brought the children. There’s a glowing man with no pores and skin, who needs to hop on a rocket and go to house along with his mates. Sorry, his cult. He’s fairly enjoyable, however guys who suppose they’re Jesus are a non-starter. There’s a woman in brown robes who says she lives in a gap within the floor along with her household. I don’t blame her, shifting out is hard on this financial system. I’m, nevertheless, mildly fearful that she’d ask if we will use her pneumatic gauntlet within the bed room.
I carry on going, drifting into town. There’s a girl physician with a sick mohawk and the calm temperament of somebody with out a mohawk. Another way, she’s similar to the lady who taught me learn how to shoot. Too good, too good at caring about folks and asking for nothing again for us to work. There’s an Elvis impersonator with a robotic canine. That final half almost swings issues his means, however then he says ‘uh-huh-huh’ and I bodily shudder.
I pay my caps and head onto the principle drag. Discovering love among the many neon-trimmed fakery appears inconceivable, however I give it a strive. The closest I come is once I make a journey as much as the tower’s penthouse. He appears fairly good-looking on the display screen of his monitor, and appears wealthy sufficient to be prime sugar daddy materials, even when he received’t cease spouting Adam Smith quotes and asking me for that rattling chip. One thing doesn’t really feel proper, although. So, I sneak into his again room and that’s once I discover him. The true him. A shrivelled prune with wispy hair. A prepared meal, 200 years or so outdated. I’ve by accident killed that prepared meal in taking it out of the fridge, but it surely doesn’t matter. The search continues.
There’s a high hat sporting cannibal and an Italian mobster who runs a giant brothel that’s kinda on fireplace. Go. Go. There’s a desk jockey who needs me to go and discuss to some boomers. He doesn’t final lengthy. Then, I run into the furry once more. He asks me to go and see his boss, who appears like an precise salad. F**ok it, why not? I trek midway throughout Nevada to a tent on a hill, and inside I discover what I can solely describe as an incel’s incel. He’s dressed like a Roman soldier, he’s learn some Hegel, and his hairline’s past saving. He’s additionally fairly impolite. He’s on the desk as an possibility far longer that he needs to be. Primarily as a result of I’m fascinated as to why none of his mates have given the punch within the mouth he so clearly wants but.
Then, I discover out why. He’s constructed like a brick shithouse on stilts, carries a sword that’s so large I’m not even certain of the rule about it compensating for one thing applies right here, and wears a masks that makes him look a bit just like the statue from an costly water characteristic. He talks in riddles, muttering about bears and bulls, easts and wests, flags and blood. I take into account asking him to be the singer in a steel band I’ve been planning to start out for just a few years now, however suppose higher of it. He’s clearly far too regular for that profession path. Ultimately, I chew his ear off lengthy sufficient that he runs away.
Not sure the place else to go, I wander additional and additional. There’s a spiritual man, lined in bandages. I discover loads of his sculpture cute, however I’m unsure how we’d do it with out him getting harm. There’s a mind in a jar that thinks my toes are penises and received’t cease shouting at me. For a really temporary second, I believe he is likely to be price a go. There are one other couple of outdated males, who dwell in a neighbourhood stuffed with actually unhealthy clouds of air pollution. One’s clearly into bondage, as he medication me and places an explosive steel collar on my neck. The opposite’s a skinless singer, with an ego the scale of the theatres he performs in. There’s a man with dreads in a sleeveless jacket, who received’t cease lecturing me – through a robotic telephone – about America and all the pieces I ever might need executed incorrect in my life. Nope, nope, nope, nope, and, ehhh, no.
I quit.
I head again to town’s most important drag and discover the man who shot me within the head. You’ll do, I believe, as I gently grin and whisper one thing in his ear that he’ll always remember.
