I’ve been staring on the moon for therefore lengthy that the person in it’s taken out an injunction.
I’m not allowed to return inside touchdown distance of his little ball within the sky. I could by no means discover out if it’s fabricated from cheese. It’s a crucial sacrifice.
As a result of I believe the moon might need one thing to say about GTA 6. Some lunar leaks, some interstellar data to convey about what received’t simply be the most important recreation of 2025, however the greatest occasion human historical past has ever seen. Scratch that, that the universe has ever seen.
The type of s**t that’d make Physician Manhattan cease, attract breath, and begin fascinated by ensuring he was there to witness it firsthand. It’s a lot, a lot, larger than the Nintendo Swap 2 reveal which occurred final week, or so the guy GTA superfan I’ve employed to control every little thing else occurring on the earth whereas I proceed to stare at this moon tells me.
Nonetheless, I drag my eyes away for a couple of minutes, as a result of what if – I ask myself, in a voice that’s some bizarre, monstrous amalgamation of each GTA protagonist ever – the Swap 2 reveal has something to inform us about GTA 6?
Unlikely, sure, however that’s what they – our mysterious, mischievous masters at Rockstar would need us to suppose. It’s a Nintendo console launch, no secrets and techniques about GTA 6 hidden right here, only a little bit of Mario and a few Pleasure-Cons, sure? No, I say, I cannot write you off with out thorough interrogation, like Trevor Phillips did to Mr Ok within the GTA 5 mission ‘By The E book’. I’ll hook a automobile battery as much as your nipples if wants be, Nintendo! Now, TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!
Issues begin off fairly un-GTA 6. There’s a Nintendo emblem. Hold on a minute, there’s a bit of R in a circle close to the highest of the final O. Rockstar’s emblem’s an R, albeit a with a special font. It might nonetheless be a message that the developer is right here, within the background of this Swap reveal, its hand on Nintendo’s shoulder like Roman instructing Niko easy methods to good his bowling stance.
We’ll have to look at on. There’s a Nintendo Swap. GTA 5 isn’t on Swap, besides when it was due to modders. Possibly GTA 6 will probably be coming to the unique Swap? As a launch title. I do know, it’s a console that’s actually having its substitute revealed proper right here and can due to this fact quickly be a bit out-of-date, however that is Rockstar, and you need to count on the sudden.
The Swap splits into three bits. GTA 5 had three protagonists. GTA 6 has two protagonists, Swap 2, cling on, SWITCH 2 PROTAGONISTS. Does that verify it? Sure. No. Possibly. We’ll have to look at on. The Swap begins spinning, and a few bizarre chips come off it. It jogs my memory of a automobile spinning uncontrolled, with tyre smoke coming off of its, effectively, tyres. GTA has automobiles. With tyres that smoke. I’ve spun out whereas driving round Los Santos extra occasions than I can rely.
That is promising. We should watch on. It’s rising some new ports. THE PORT OF LOS SANTOS, WHICH PLAYS A BIG ROLE IN GTA 5’S MERRYWEATHER HEIST. Particularly in the event you select the freighter choice. Ports confirmed in GTA 6? That first trailer certain had a number of water, however let’s not get forward of ourselves right here.
Then there are strains, which give solution to a stand. Individuals do strains in just about each GTA recreation. Medication confirmed in GTA 6? Stand. You may stand in a GTA recreation. Your character can actually stand, and there are additionally issues like bus stands. It’s pretend America, so nobody’s gonna be utilizing them as a result of all of them have nice huge SUVs and Ford Mustangs…sorry, Vapid Dominators, however they’re there.
Then, it jumps. You may bounce in GTA video games. Form of. It’s extra of a bizarre ahead fall until you’re truly subsequent to a ledge, but it surely’s one thing. Ooh. The Swap is popping black. Just like the black display screen some GTA 5 gamers on PC had been as soon as greeted with on loading up the sport as a consequence of a problem. GTA 6 coming to PC on the similar time it hits Swap 2, perhaps? They’re very related platforms, in that they each play video video games, and have computery bits inside.
It zooms in on one of many controllers, and a kinda flesh-coloured bit begins protruding from it. I can’t even start to recall each single occasion in GTA video games when a flesh-coloured factor has protruded. Or been implied to protrude. There are simply too many. The opposite one has one thing blue protruding from it. There are additionally too many occasions in GTA when it’s been implied that one thing protruding obtained blue – in the event you see what they’re clearly implying right here – to rely. Good, the previous Rockstar sense of humour in GTA 6, confirmed.
Ah, now the Pleasure-Cons appear to be sliding round like pc mice. It’s a bit like they’re having a…race. Races, in fact, have all the time been an enormous factor in GTA – particularly with on-line recently, a whole era of YouTubers having been weaned from the teat on countless playlists the place you’re driving about on a Sizzling Wheels observe within the sky, doing jumps, getting the enhance, crashing into folks, having them scream right into a digicam fairly than leaving you a message that it is best to in all probability name the police about.
Extra races in GTA 6 perhaps? Towards large mice? No, that’s absurd. Two Pleasure-Cons. Possibly multiplayer races within the singleplayer bit? Singleplayer races within the multiplayer bit? A LAN Celebration mode? Only a s**t tonne extra on-line races for you showcase regardless of the GTA 6 equal of the chrome-wrapped Adder will probably be early in its lifespan? All I do know is, my thoughts’s actually racing.
The Pleasure-Cons be a part of with the display screen to make one system. Three turns into one? Can’t be the protagonists once more. Hold on. 2 develop into 1. Are the Spice Ladies recording new music for GTA 6’s soundtrack? Absolutely not. Rockstar does love its 90s and early 2000s pop tunes, although. Will the complete GTA 6 soundtrack – except for that one Tom Petty tune, clearly – be carried out by the Spice Ladies? Even the heavy metallic, rap, and nation stations? Are we gonna be capable to rob a retailer whereas blasting a model of Wannabe the place the ‘Yo, inform me what you need, what you actually really need’ is preceded by a demise growl from the depths of Emma Bunton’s soul that perforates each single eardrum inside a fifty mile radius?
Sorry, I’ve gotten misplaced in thought. There’s now Mario Kart on the factor. GTA On-line’s very Mario Kart-style races getting an precise Mario Kart crossover confirmed? Mario because the man who runs all of GTA 6 on-line’s races? It wouldn’t be the primary time a man with Italian ancestry has featured prominently in a GTA recreation. Is Mario mob-affiliated? Has he introduced his crime household down from Liberty Metropolis to Vice Metropolis, making the identical journey Tommy Vercetti did all these years in the past?
S**t, is Mario the dangerous man? Will GTA 6’s story of Bonnie and Clyde-style lovers revolve round them constructing as much as one last massive stick-up on the overall-wearing king of Vice operating issues like a mustachioed Scarface, with a mushroom-fueled drug empire and trophy spouse named Peach that he married after taking out the King Koopa who used to rule the streets?
2025, the Swap 2 reveal says. S**t, that’s when GTA 6 is popping out! It’s all true, it needs to be! Thanks, Nintendo! Thanks for all of this GTA 6 data, I howl on the moon.
The person in it appears down and sighs. He picks up a telephone fabricated from cheese, and calls his lawyer.