I hope you didn’t anticipate any record of favorites from me – liking issues shouldn’t be actually my core competence. So, right here is my record of the ten issues I hate most about birding.
Owling
Julius Caesar apparently stated, “I like treason however hate the traitor”. For me, it’s “I like owls however hate owling”. See, I’m a morning particular person – getting up an hour earlier than dawn isn’t any drawback for me, even when dawn occurs to be at 4 am. However to exit birding after dinner – a horror. That is the time I need to be close to a pc, a beer, a cat, and a mattress – not out within the area listening to some chicken information’s rambles about how “this owl is normally very secure right here” whereas I need to inform him to close up and let me go to mattress, ungrateful prick that I’m. Nonetheless, they trick me into going out owling virtually each time, only for the minute probability of seeing certainly one of these flying cats.
Being in locations with out beer
Happily, this occurs pretty hardly ever, and never essentially in locations I’m going to for birding (the longest with out beer in my residing reminiscence was for about 16 days in Afghanistan in 2023, and boy, this was an extended stretch). Nonetheless, it simply occurred to me in some village on Halmahera the place everyone is Muslim and thus doesn’t consider within the magic therapeutic powers of beer. For sure, I received cranky and blamed the chicken information regardless that it was completely my fault to not refill at one other village the place a dependable (and presumably within the eyes of the neighbors, unscrupulous) Chinese language bought the native Bintang beer.
Fellow birders exhibiting me their chicken images whereas I’m birding
I ought to in all probability put together an indication in a dozen languages (most significantly Chinese language) stating the next: “The rationale why I’m out within the area now with my digital camera is that I’m making an attempt to take images of birds. It’s not that I’m in search of a chance to be proven chicken images taken by different individuals. If I wished to take a look at chicken images, I might accomplish that from the consolation of my dwelling, with a cat on one facet and a beer on the opposite – plus, the images would seemingly be higher too. Thanks in your understanding”.
Being advised that “it isn’t the very best season”
There’s something mystical about the very best season for seeing my goal birds – particularly, each time I’m at a given location, it isn’t the very best season to see that chicken. Someway this sounds a bit like Schrödinger’s Cat, although I’ve to confess that I don’t absolutely perceive the analogy myself. In any case, in such conditions I typically want someone had the braveness to inform me one thing like “It’s precisely the precise season to see this chicken – however you’re simply so damned unfortunate”.
People who smoke
Whereas the information that some practices are unhealthy – corresponding to smoking or not utilizing seat belts – has been unfold broadly in some international locations, it’ll nonetheless take a number of many years to succeed in most of the greatest birding areas in locations corresponding to Southeast Asia, regardless of us purportedly residing in an age the place information is the brand new black and it supposedly spreads on the velocity of sunshine. Which in China can imply I nonetheless must share a chicken blind meant for 10 individuals with 9 heavy people who smoke. Lots of the birds visiting these blinds subsequently die of lung most cancers, in fact.
Leaf Warblers and Subspecies
If whereas birding I’m ever going to satisfy a particularly engaging, wealthy, single, clever, and humorous lady who shows a robust curiosity each in leaf warblers and in numerous but similar-looking subspecies of average-looking birds, I’d faux I’m too. In any other case, I can’t be bothered.
Being advised to be affected person whereas ready for a chicken
If there’s one factor I’ve by no means been good at and by no means shall be, it’s to be affected person. This has at all times made the usual job interview query “What’s your biggest weak point” a bit awkward for me, as admitting to impatience is such a boring and predictable reply that presumably no person makes use of it anymore until they apply for a job for which being boring and predictable is a robust asset (I hear accountants are suggested to offer precisely this reply in job interviews). So, expensive chicken information: Don’t inform me to be affected person. Inform the chicken to rush up.
Birders who’ve already seen your goal chicken – however have seen it higher
You lastly see your goal. You might be glad and happy, and would possibly even point out your sighting to a different birder. Instantly, he (sure, it’s normally a he – it’s a testosterone factor) factors out that he has not solely seen the chicken – he has seen it thrice already, as soon as in an uncommon location, as soon as in an uncommon season, and as soon as in an uncommon flock of birds. As killing this man is normally not an possibility (there are witnesses), you’ll be able to solely counter by telling him that he won’t have seen this species in any respect, as it’s all too simply confused with one other, rather more widespread species (see my award-winning essay “How Wars Begin” for extra particulars).
Using as a passenger on a bike
In sure international locations (sure, I’m taking a look at you, Indonesia), motorbike taxis are nonetheless thought to be a non-suicidal type of transportation. I are inclined to disagree with this over-optimistic assumption – sitting behind a younger native male and holding on to his hips for all times has restricted attraction for me as a heterosexual male. Sadly, typically the birds appear to assemble at spots that may solely be reached this fashion. Birds, you actually needs to be extra thoughtful.
Encountering giant birding tour teams
Admittedly, my love of humankind – notably its bigger agglomerations – is restricted. So, it comes as a shock to me when birding on a supposedly distant Indonesian island, all of the sudden 4 vehicles cease and about 12 birders who can solely very charitably be described as middle-aged get out. After which take heed to a younger, overconfident, and presumably Australian tour information very loudly declaring the few birds within the space that also stay after this assault.
I first wished so as to add “birders” to the record as effectively, however perhaps that could be a bit too adverse even for me …
After all, birding additionally has its constructive points – corresponding to not leaving a lot time for turning into a heroin addict. However I believe it’s higher to cowl these in a separate record. Anticipate a publication in early 2031.